After my mother died in January, 2015, the only thing I knew for sure is that I needed to sell the house. It was too big, too expensive, and there were way too many memories. I spent the first part of 2015 just focusing on getting the house ready to put on the market, and being a bit of a zombie while trying to deal with the loss of my family. It helped to have a project, but at the same time it was extremely difficult to go through my mother’s house and pack up her life.
I’ve gone around in circles about what I want to do once my house sells. I have nothing tying me to the place I currently live except for my job, and a few very dear friends. My long term plan has always been to invest the cash from the sale of my current house into another house, so I could retire and live mortgage-free. But I don’t know where I want to live, and I need to be sure about that before buying another house somewhere.
They say not to make any big decisions after losing a loved one. Certainly a large part of my indecisiveness is the “fog-brain” of grief, but there is also getting reacquainted with myself. The fact is, after almost 30 years of planning my life around other people – husband, children, siblings, parents – it is now MY time. The good news is that I get to choose my future path with few constraints. The bad news is that I am the only one who can make the decision, and for whatever reason, I don’t know what I want.
Why is it so difficult for me to know what I want? I think it’s hard to adjust, it’s hard to open up my mind to the possibilities. What I might want has not been the primary driver of my decisions in the past. I had to give it a lot of thought.
It’s clearly time to move on. Many areas of my life here in Bucks County are winding down. My daughter has been living in Seattle for many years. My son is about to graduate from college and wants to move west as well. My parents and brothers are gone. My best single friend in the area got married recently, which drastically changed my social life. It feels like everything is pointing to change. But, a change to what, and to where??